Spidey's got a girlfriend!
by seriousish
Summary: The Avengers were born to handle emergencies no single superhero could withstand, like alien invasions, doomsday plots, and Spider-Man getting lucky ! . PeterxMJ
1. Chapter 1: Spidey's Got A Girlfriend!

Author's note: It's been a while since I've read MA Spider-Man (and this is based on Marvel Adventures Avengers), so I guess you could count this as future-fic. I borrowed canon from pre-marriage Spidey, where he and Mary-Jane have dated some, but had circumstances conspire against them, and now Mary-Jane's back in town after a prolonged absense and she and Peter have been playing the "will they or won't they?" game.

* * *

Peter pulled off his mask and instantly recoiled from the smell. It felt (and smelled) like he'd spent the last week in costume. Between Doc Ock's crime spree, the Avengers going against a Skrull invasion, and his college courses, it seemed like forever since he'd had a chance to unwind. He'd even done his homework in costume, in the half-hour he'd had between missions. Though, admittedly, he was probably the only student in physics class who could ask both Tony Stark and Bruce Banner for help with number nine.

"Peter, we going to dinner or what?"

With a shock of realization not unlike his spider-sense (through a bullhorn), Peter realized that while he'd been stripping off his costume, Mary-Jane had been searching his apartment for him. Yeah, giving her a key, probably a mistake. It was just that when he'd been moving in, she'd looked at him and teased him a little about it and so what could he do but say "mi apartmento is su apartmento" and get her her own key?

Moreover, on Monday he'd agreed to take her out to eat while they discussed their class project. That appointment had been, what, twenty minutes ago? He remembered leaving his cell-phone behind while they went up against the Super-Skrull. She must've gotten worried, headed over to his apartment, let herself in, and now she was at the door to his bedroom while he had his spider-shorts around his ankles.

The doorknob started to turn.

Peter was no Quicksilver, but he managed. In a flash he kicked his various spider-costume bits under the bed, jumped onto the mattress, and grabbed one of Aunt May's flowers from a vase and stuck it between his teeth. Before he could rethink that (flowers were considered inedible for a reason), Mary-Jane was standing in his doorway.

Her eyes widened impressively at seeing Peter lying across his bed, half-naked, a flower in his teeth, grinning cheesily. Then her mouth dropped open. Peter wondered if he had any big bruises showing. Then he realized it was probably the spider-muscles. He'd gotten pretty good at hiding those.

"I was thinking we could eat in," Peter said around the flower, struggling mightily to keep a straight face. One second for Mary-Jane to burst into laughter, then he'd explain it was all a bad joke, he was just getting dressed, and really, shouldn't she have knocked?

Only, Mary-Jane didn't so much laugh as reach behind her back and pull down her dress's zipper. "Well, it wouldn't be the first time you've made me feel overdressed."

Breasts. Tits. Boobs. Gazongas. Sweater monkeys. Funbags. Peter ran out of euphemisms and started making up new ones like "humina-huminas" as Mary-Jane stepped out of her dress and neatly left it hanging from the door on a stray hanger. She laid down across from him, wearing nothing but a bra. Well, she probably had something on below the waist, but Peter didn't want to get ahead of himself. MOABs. Super balloons. Tomax and Xamot.

"Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to make your move?" Mary-Jane took the flower from between Peter's teeth and sniffed it. Pity, Peter was pretty sure that was the only thing keeping his teeth from chattering. "And I never imagined you'd be so… bold. It's like you're a Scottish lord about to ravish his naughty chambermaid."

Peter had, in point of fact, never felt less ravishing-Scottish-lord, but she didn't need to know that. One thing being on the Avengers had taught him—always seize the initiative. "Well, all that sexual tension was getting to be a bit much, wasn't it?" That was what you called trying not to look at someone's breasts all the time, right, sexual tension?

"Tell me about it! I was just about ready to burst! We're great friends, we love spending time together, I'm hot as hell and apparently so are you."

"I've been… running." _Usually away from giant insects, dinosaurs, or Giant-Girl after someone eats her muffins._

"It's like some fairy tale. I go for the sweet, charming, funny guy and I find out he has the body of Brad Pitt."

"Yes, it's somewhere in my attic."

Mary-Jane laughed. "Enough jokes, Pete. Maybe _you_ were a monk in a former life, but I've been waiting for this so long I'm not even going to make you buy me dinner first."

"That's good. I think I could just about manage to buy you a hot dog, if you like them plain." (He really had to have a talk with Tony about some kind of expense account. If anyone would believe taking a hot redhead out would make you a better crime-fighter, it'd be Tony. And oh, hey, was she talking about sex? It sounded a lot like she was talking about sex.)

"I said enough with the jokes." Mary-Jane was smiling as she said it. "What do I have to do to shut you up?"

Many had asked themselves that question, and they usually settled on trying to burn, stab, crush, or otherwise mangle Spider-Man. Mary-Jane Watson, on the other hand, found a much more effective way. (Sex.)

* * *

"Peter! Peter! Peter!"

"Uh, are you trying to get my attention or just screaming my name?"

"Yes. I would really love to—mmh!—set a world record for—ah!—oh!—but—oh god—you're going to give me a heart attack!"

"Just one… more… second…"

"Ah!"

"Ghasfhl!"

Peter rolled off her, staring up at the ceiling with abject thankfulness. After a few moments, he wiped the doofy grin off his face. Mary-Jane Watson. Wow.

Mary-Jane began clearing the many sweaty strands of hair from her face. "Where'd you learn to do that?"

_Tony said that's what he did to Fran Drescher just to hear what sound she'd make._ "Here and there."

"Remind me to thank here and there." After a bit of difficulty with Peter not knowing what she was doing, Mary-Jane got Peter to spoon with her. "You owe me dinner."

"And now I want to know what buying you dessert gets me."

"Ask me in five minutes." Mary-Jane took the latest in a series of deep breaths. "You mind getting me a glass of water? I think it'd be unfair to ask my legs to carry me to the kitchen after that."

"Sure thing."

Peter gave her a quick peck and Mary-Jane turned it into something slower before letting him go. For a few moments, she stared up at the ceiling with abject thankfulness. Peter Parker. Who knew?

Peter came back with a bottle of champagne, stopping only to make a panicked sound and kick his mask under the bed. He poured for both of them into Dixie cups, toasted her, and they drank.

"Mmm, this is a good year. Where'd you get this?" Mary-Jane asked.

"I rescued a vineyard from lava monsters. They gave it to me on the house."

"Stop!" Mary-Jane laughed. "You're gonna make it come out my nose!"

Peter sagged against the bed, suddenly troubled.

"Hey, I'm sorry. You'd kick lava monster ass, I'm sure." Mary-Jane squeezed his bicep.

"It's not that. I was just… I don't want to get all clingy, but does _that_ mean we're dating now?"

"Is that you asking?"

Peter smiled and buried his face in her hair. "Mary-Jane Watson, you wanna go out with me?"

"Why, yes, Peter Parker, I so definitely would."

Peter rolled back onto his side of the bed.

"And you're in luck, I'm free this evening. What do you say we hop in the shower, I show you what you can get for buying me dessert, then we go out to Antonio's, because that project is not going to do itself."

Peter put a hand on her shoulder when she started to rise. "I was just asking because I wanted to be sure if that was a one-time thing or not."

"Peter, trust me, nothing about that thing was 'one time'."

"It's just… ugh." He flopped back down. "I never really expected this to come up. Maybe some day, but… I half-expected it'd just be with another hero and then it'd be different since we'd both be…" Peter sat up. "MJ, there's something I really need to tell you. And I probably should've told you sooner and _definitely_ before I slept with you," _super-definitely before I told Logan_, "but better late than never, right?"

Mary-Jane knelt across from him, taking one of his gesturing hands and stroking it gently. "Peter, I don't know if you've noticed, but I like you a lot. Whatever it is, I swear I'll try to understand."

"Alright… don't freak out?"

Mary-Jane crossed her heart.

"Okay…" Peter bit his lip. "I don't think I've ever actually said this out loud…" He leaned in close to her, as if he were afraid someone might overhear. "I'm Spider-Man."

Mary-Jane leaned in closer. "I know."

"You…" Peter reared up, "know? And you still want to go out with me, knowing that there are hundreds of maniacs who want to kill me and would use the people I love to…" Peter stopped himself. "Well, I mean, probably only dozens, at most…"

"Peter, that's part of why I like you! You're a hero! You've got the coolest job in the world, you hang out with Captain America, and you're still the most down-to-earth, mature, responsible guy I know."

"But! How?"

"Well, once you stop assuming you're just some nebbish, mild-mannered photographer, it's pretty easy. I've always thought there was more to you than meets the eye, than all these coincidences start piling up around you. So I asked around and pretty soon the pieces all fell into place. Plus, this one time I came in here to do your laundry for you and I found your costume in your sock drawer. It was suspiciously well-made."

"You did my laundry?"

"You seemed like you could use the help. I've also been putting fresh apples in your refrigerator."

"They're delicious."

"Thanks, my aunt grows them. She sends me a box every week, I could never eat all of them on my own. I think she wants me to live on apples. When my family visited her place on vacation, she would feed us apple crisps and apple pie and apple cider…"

Peter hugged Mary-Jane tightly, kissing every inch of skin he could. "You. Are. Incredible. How could I not have seen this? This is like a dream come true. In fact, this is usually about the part where I woke up."

* * *

Peter woke up. He looked around. He and the rest of the Avengers were in Doom's castle, still chained up, still working on an escape plan. He hummed to himself as he examined his manacles.

Tony frowned as he heard the tune. "'I could've danced all night'?"

"And still have begged for more." Peter started humming again as he took a closer look at his chains.

"Webhead, we're literally hanging from the walls, waiting for Doom to shoot us fulla lasers," Logan growled. "What's got you so happy?"

"Just trying to be optimistic. Don't you think everything's going to turn out alright?"

"No, I think you'll probably live."

"Me too!"

"Spider-Man's got the right attitude," Captain America said. "Everyone keep faith in ourselves and each other, and we'll get out of here in no time."

"Touching words, my dear captain," Doctor Doom said, his armor clanging as he descended into the dungeon. "But unfettered optimism is no match for cold, metal doom. What is that infernal humming?"

"He's expressing himself!" Giant-Girl said defensively.

"Is it bothering you? I can stop." Peter leaned back against the wall with a smile that was obvious even through his mask.

"Is there something about your doom that you find amusing, young and callow peasant?"

"Besides the way you keep working the word 'doom' into every sentence? Nah, I'm just in a good mood. By the way, you've got a lovely country, despotism aside."

"Thank you. I've worked quite hard on it."

"It shows. And with the despotism."

"Now then, imperious fools," Doom swung around, his green cloak swirling impressively. "You shall reveal to me all that you know, that your knowledge may be bent to the greater glory of Doom, and in return, your deaths shall be merciful and dignified. Does anyone else hear a tapping?"

"Oh, sorry, me again." Peter stopped tapping the wall. "This brick is really acoustic, it's insane. I wonder what it'd be like to have a band practice in here."

Doom regarded him. "Are you mocking me?"

"Nah, you seem cool. I mean, you're acting like a dick now, but by Wrecking Crew standards, you're really switched on."

Dr. Doom stalked to Iron Man. "What does his inane babble pertain to?"

"We've been asking ourselves that same question for so very, very long."

"Is it some form of secret code? Are you hatching an escape plan!?"

"Well, yeah. Obviously." Peter laughed. "We're not using me to do it, but we're superheroes, you've locked us up, clearly we're working on ways to escape. And to be honest, I realize the manacles are more atmospheric than just shooting us in the head while we were unconscious, but c'mon. We're gonna escape. It's how we do it."

"Impossible!" Dr. Doom pointed grandly at Spider-Man. "Observe the flawless construct of the electro-manacles that hold you! Even if you were to cut off your thumb, the manacles would automatically constrict to hold you! And should Dr. Banner access his monosyllabic alter-ego, the manacles would expand to maintain their grip!"

"Hey, what if I filled them with webbing?"

"What?"

"Never mind, I'll check." Spider-Man curled his middle and ring fingers inward. Webbing shot out of his wrists, building up against the manacles, which automatically expanded to compensate. Before they could settle, Spider-Man had slipped out of his manacles and landed on the floor in a crouch. "Oh, hey, cool, I'm the first guy to break out. I'm _never_ the first guy to break out! Looks like everything's coming up Spider."

"Vainglorious dolt!" Doom's gauntlet charged with energy. "I shall end your good cheer along with your life!"

Spider-Man dodged out of the way. "Dude, you are such a downer. That should be your name. Dr. Downer."

Dr. Doom fired another blast. This time when Spider-Man dodged, the blast hit the electro-manacles' generator.

"Oh doom," Dr. Doom muttered as the Avengers landed on their feet.

* * *

Peter switched the radio to a station playing a boppy pop song on the Quinjet ride home. Because he was monarch of Latveria, they hadn't been able to bring Dr. Doom to justice, but they had destroyed his doomsday machine and then Logan had accidentally tripped Bruce Banner down a flight of stairs on the way out. It'd taken them a while, and several scrapped Doombots, to calm down his greener half.

"Excellent work, Peter," Steve said. "You've really come into your own on this mission. I don't think anyone will argue that you should pick the restaurant we go to for the post-mission celebration."

"Chocolate sundaes again?" Logan growled.

"I'd love to, Cap, but I've got a… a pressing engagement."

"More homework?" Tony frowned. "They're working you to death. I'll do it, you can use my virtual-reality teaching tool to catch up later. You can have your pick of holographic tutor, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, or Brad Pitt."

The Avengers glanced at Tony.

"What? Brad Pitt seems like a cool guy."

"No, it's not school, I'm just gonna be busy tonight."

"Probably has to get home in time to catch Battlestar Galactica," Logan taunted gruffly.

"I wouldn't be watching that even if it were still on the air. I mean, Ellen Tigh? What was that? No, I've just got stuff."

"Like what kind of stuff?" Steve asked, his paternal concern hard enough to brook no dissent.

"Just… stuff. Look, Doom's doomsday machine will be just as doomed tomorrow. Let's have the celebration then. Then Hank can come along."

Giant-Girl smiled. "It would do him some good to get away from his microscopes. He's started naming his ants."

"Then it's settled!" Peter said, starting for the washroom when Steve grabbed his shoulder.

"I'm still a bit curious what you're up to."

"It's private, alright?"

"Son, is it the drugs?"

"Ah, for christ's sake!" Logan jerked out of his nap. "Isn't it obvious the boy's been getting some trim? He reeks of redhead!"

"By the Bright Lady!" Storm exclaimed.

"Really? Does that really call for a 'by the Bright Lady'?" Peter asked.

"Who is she? Is she cute?" Giant-Girl demanded.

"Yes, she's very—cute. But I'm not telling you who she is because you'll jinx it."

"Jinx it?" Storm asked. "Us?"

"What you need to do is take her out to a nice ballgame," Steve said. "Or you could take her out to a hootenanny. Do kids still do that?"

"My aunt didn't even go to hootenannies."

"Pete, you're in luck." Tony put an arm around Peter's shoulders. "You just listen to me and we'll have this gal eating out of your asshole."

"I… really don't want her to do that."

"Don't knock it till you've tried it."

"Pretty girls have nice hair!" Hulk yelled. "Tell pretty girl her hair is nice… soft… like big-girl…" Hulk began to stroke Jan's hair.

"Hey!" Jan slapped at him. "What've I told you about calling me 'big-girl'?"

"In my native country, a boy would slay a leopard and give its hide to a girl he wished to marry," Storm said. Everyone looked around uncomfortably. "That was a joke."

"Leave the kid alone. Can't you see he doesn't want your advice?" Logan said, trying to get back to his nap.

"Thank you, Wolverine."

"He can screw things up perfectly fine on his own."

"This isn't getting screwed up! She's the One. I can tell."

"The One!" Jan cried, growing a few feet in excitement. "Oh-em-gee, tell me everything about her! Don't make me beat it out of you! I'll do it!"

"She will," Tony confirmed. "She used me as a cowbell when I wouldn't set her up with George Clooney."

"All you had to do was tell him I liked his movies!"

Peter stood up. "Alright, everyone, your attention please! I appreciate that you all want to help, but my life can't be Norse gods and alien invasions 24/7! I need some downtime. So please, just let me have this one thing to myself."

"Alright, team, you heard the man," Cap barked over Jan's protest. "I'm sure we all have work we could be doing instead of prying into Spider-Man's personal life."

As it would turn out, members of the idle rich (like Jan) and African weather goddesses (like Ororo) didn't have heavy workloads.

_Will Jan and her hetero life partner Ororo find out who Spider-Man is dating? Is Mary-Jane the One? Does Tony wear ladies' undergarments beneath his armor? The answer to all those questions, except maybe the one about skimpy thong-cut panties, next time! Same spider-header, same spider-journal!_

* * *


	2. Chapter 2: Girlfriend Harder!

Jan knew Ororo had her back almost all the time. If she needed a date to a premier and Mr. "but, honey, the experiment is at a crucial stage" was busy, she could just go with Ororo. Or if her jerk ex-boyfriend had just had his car washed, it would start to rain (this happened a lot because Jan had a lot of jerk ex-boyfriends).

But more often than not, Ororo would say "Sweet Jan, that seems frivolous" and be all responsible and boring. Let's face it, she only did the rainstorms because she wasn't speaking with Thor. Yeah, it was all an evil clone Thor made that was seen canoodling with Jennifer Aniston. Right.

So, if she wanted back-up, Jan would have to capitalize on Storm's one weakness.

"Hey girlfriend, I picked you up a double dutch cocoa latte with whipped cream."

Ororo looked up from her magazine. "OhnoIreallyshouldn'tmydiet _give it to me now!_"

Jan handed the latte to Storm. "So, whacha readin'?"

"Just a gossip sheet Jarvis left lying around. I like reading what the public thinks of us."

"You wouldn't say that if you were retaining water. Or, um, that's what She-Hulk told me." Jan flopped down on the couch, the better to read over Ororo's shoulder. "Ugh, Mary-Jane Watson. She is such a slut."

"She seems alright. I saw her in Wicked. She had an interesting take on Glinda."

"What, as a _skank_?" Jan grabbed the Us Weekly magazine and threw it away. "Come on, Storm! How can you be in here reading about how Tony uses this place for bisexual orgies when Peter is dating some _girl_?"

Storm pulled the magazine back with a gust of wind. "Bisexual orgies? Which page is that on?"

"Ororo! We don't know anything about this girl! What if she kills a villain in front of him and he's so traumatized by it that he lets her rape him?"

"Jan, what have I told you about reading those Cap and Iron Man stories online?"

"As I recall, you told me to e-mail the really steamy ones to you."

Ororo coughed. "Yes, well… Peter is a very mature young man and I'm sure anyone as smart as him will exercise the utmost care when it comes to his love life."

Just then, Bruce and Tony walked by. "But Tony, aren't you even a little worried? I mean, she's the Black Widow. That's how she introduces herself!"

"No, I'll you how she introduces herself. ZIPPP, 34D!" Tony bumped fists with Bruce.

Ororo turned to Jan. "How much younger than them would you say Peter is?"

* * *

Their first stop was the Baxter Building, because Spidey'd been spending a lot of time there and Jan doubted it was for the cocaine sex parties Us Weekly said Johnny Storm held (although that would explain why Megan Fox and Olivia Wilde were spotted going into Four Freedoms Plaza).

Although Reed was off in the Negative Zone, Sue was serving as Goodwill Ambassador to Wakanda, and Ben was flying some sort of test plane, Johnny could be relied on to be playing videogames on Reed's 96-inch briefing screen. He paused it when he saw who was visiting.

"Hello, ladies." He grinned. "Can I interest you in some drinks? Sandwiches? Hot oil massage?"

"Well…" Jan started before Ororo cut her off.

"We're fine, thank you. We just came here to ask about Sue. Are she and Reed still going out?"

"I think so." Johnny scratched the avant-garde hair growth on his chin. "I mean, they're not speaking to each other since Reed missed dinner with the 'rents to run an experiment."

"Bastard," Jan muttered.

"But they always get back together."

"So she hasn't been seeing anyone else?"

"Nah."

"Not even Spider-Man?"

"Spider-what? Are you kidding? I mean, sure, they once got sent to the Negaverse together, but if Sue ever left Reed, it'd be for someone—well, first off, it'd be for someone closer to her own age. And of course he'd have to have a sense of humor, like Reed doesn't. But what she loves best about Reed is his intelligence, so he would have to be a pretty… smart… guy… oh sweet baby Jesus, Spider-Man and _my sister?_"

Jan tapped Ororo on the shoulder. "Now that I think about it, would Peter really date a blonde after what happened with Gwen?"

"It was a rather bad break-up. I suppose we should move on."

"Yes." Jan looked at Johnny, who was curled up on the floor, rocking back and forth. "Think we should call somebody?"

"No, he looks… comfortable."

* * *

"Well, I'm disappointed," Jan said, maneuvering her Town Car away from Johnny's wailing. "if Sue and Peter got married, he and Johnny would be stepbrothers. It'd be cute."

"I think Reed and Sue are already a cute couple," Ororo replied.

"Yeah, but he's _old_."

"So is Logan. And I recall you said you would rather kiss him than Steve."

"Steve's like my _dad_. And besides, Logan is only thirty or so. Hardly ancient."

Ororo smiled to herself.

"So, who's our next love interest?"

Ororo thought about it. "It could be Elektra. Remember that time they switched bodies?"

"Yeah, Spidey started pigging out hardcore. What about it?"

"Maybe Spider-Man liked being inside her," Ororo said thoughtfully.

"Riiight," Jan drawled, staring sidelong at Ororo. "Hey, I know! What about the Black Cat? Maybe they got back together!"

"If they have, we should mention how little we would appreciate it if she broke his heart again."

"Or stole our Quinjet for another joy ride."

"But mostly not to break his heart."

"Yeah, but… I had the stereo _just_ the way I liked it!"

* * *

Felicia was sunbathing when Ororo flew Jan up to the roof. Jan supposed one of the advantages of living on top of a skyscraper was no one noticed if you sunbathed nude.

"Well, well." Felicia put on a pair of sunglasses and nothing else. "Storm and Giant-Girl. Either I've been very bad… or very good."

"We were wondering that ourselves," Storm said archly.

"We were also wondering if you could cover up a little," Jan added.

"Certainly," Felicia purred, tying a towel around her waist. She walked inside.

"What is she, a nudist?" Jan whispered to Ororo as they followed her.

"Judging from her costume, a lapsed one."

Inside, Felicia's white hair poked over the top of a dressing screen. "I hope you don't mind if I slip into something more appropriate for entertaining guests."

"Thank goodness," Jan said to Ororo, sotto voce.

Felicia stepped over, wearing a sheer negligee. Jan hadn't realized they made silk so small. "Would you care for a drink? Martini? Coffee? Hot oil massage?"

"We're fine, thanks," Jan said.

"I'm a little hungry. We did skip lunch."

Jan kicked Ororo's calf. "I'll buy you a muffin. Anyhoo, Miss Cat, we were just wondering if you and Spider-Man were mating. Dating!" Jan corrected herself.

"Please. We haven't been doing either. The man can't take a joke. I wouldn't touch him to scratch him." Felicia stretched over, making herself comfortable. "I'm an alley cat, wild and free." Her head snapped up to them. "Why? Has he been asking about me?"

"No, he just has a new girlfriend and we'd like to know who it is," Ororo said.

Felicia shot bolt upright. "That's weird, it sounded a lot like you said Spider-Man had a girlfriend."

"Hey, Ororo, I think I hear Cap signaling us," Jan gritted out, punctuating the lie with several kicks to Ororo's leg.

"And he told you this?"

"No, Wolverine did. He smelled a woman on Spidey."

Felicia leapt up. "She _marked_ him? That's a cat thing! That's _my_ gig!"

"You mean you bought him that… unique cologne?"

She sniffled. "It was the first thing I ever stole for him." Felicia wiped her eyes. "Well, ladies, I wouldn't worry about Spider. It's obvious he's just trying to make me jealous. And failing." She sat back down. "This girl, she's not pretty, is she?"

Storm tapped her chin. "I believe he said she was beautiful."

Felicia's teeth wouldn't part. "Really." She forced them open. "Normally I'd love for you ladies to stay and eat, but I need to be alone for a little while."

"That's fine, we're not hungry anyway."

"I didn't say anything about food."

* * *

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Jan accused as Ororo carried her down.

"She completely wrecked the ass-groove I had in my Quinjet seat."

Above them, Felicia dug through her playtime drawer. So, some hussy thought she could take Spider away from her, huh? Well, that was just fine. Felicia relished competition, so long as she won.

* * *

Remembering the time Bruce's cousin Jen had helped them fight HYDRA and how she had hit it off with Spidey ("She was so cool!" Jan gushed. "We should hang out more often, even if she isn't dating Spider-Man. We could set her up with Hercules!"), Jan and Ororo's next stop, after a quick bite to eat, was with Bruce.

"Hwody, Bruce." Jan set her chin down on Bruce's shoulder. "How about Peter having a girlfriend? Crazy, huh?"

"I actually don't see what the big deal is. I've been going out with Betty for several months and no one—" he was interrupted by a high-pitched EEEEE from Jan.

"Time and a place, sweet child." Ororo patted Jan on the head. "We were just wondering if Peter was going out with your cousin."

"Jen? Oh, no, no, no. Jen's a kind, gentle soul; a real shrinking violet. And you know how Peter is, he can be so assertive, and Jen never really stands up for herself—"

"She didn't seem so indecisive when that Hydra tank battalion was bearing down on her," Ororo pointed out.

"But that's just on the outside! Inside, she's very vulnerable. Peter would just charm her with a few debonair quips, take her to his shag pad, and break her heart in the morning!"

"'Debonair'?" Jan asked Ororo, sotto voce.

"Remember, he's usually green when he goes into battle," Ororo whispered back. She said to Bruce "Well, since Jen hasn't said anything to you about it, she's clearly not Spidey's girlfriend. Thanks anyway."

"Uh-huh," Bruce said tersely as they left. He picked up his phone and dialed a number. "Hello, Jenny? What's this I hear about you and Spider-Man?"

* * *

Night was falling. Jan and Ororo still had no idea who Spidey's secret lover (as Jan insisted on referring to her) was.

"Maybe he's gay," Ororo suggested.

"Spider-Man, gay? Don't be ridiculous."

* * *

Johnny flew out of the Baxter Building, having recovered from picturing the kinky web games Spider-Man had played with his sister. "When I find his ass, I'm gonna—" He put on another burst of speed.

* * *

"Well, who else is there for him to date?" Jan demanded.

Tigra flounced by, singing to herself as she tossed a ball of string around. "Villains on the rise and the city's victimized, looking up with no surprise, arriving in the speed of time…"

"Tigra!" Ororo and Jan cried.

Startled, Tigra fumbled the string and got tangled in it. "Uh… it's more fun than it looks?"

Jan pointed a finger in Tigra's face. "Are you now or have you ever been Spidey's girlfriend?"

Tigra hopped up. "What? Me and Spider-Man? No way!"

Tigra's vehement denial offended Jan on her friend's behalf. "Why not? You've seen him with his mask off, he's cute enough."

"Yeah, but he makes jokes all the time!"

"So he has a sense of humor."

Ororo grabbed Jan's arm and led her away. "You'll have to excuse us. We just thought there was a certain amount of sexual tension between you two. You're always working together, you make matching jokes, you got sent into the Negaverse with him and Sue Storm…"

"He's just a fun guy to be around," Tigra protested, grinning. "Why? Did he put you up to this?"

Jan and Ororo looked at each other frantically. "No, no, no, no!"

"Got ya." Tigra tapped her nose and strolled off, humming that catchy tune of hers.

Jan and Ororo looked at each other again. "We messed up, didn't we?"

* * *

Thor was tapping his foot impatiently, shaking the entire lobby of Avengers Tower, when Tony came out of his lab. Seeing Thor, he tugged on his collar and tried to slink back inside when Thor's voice rang out.

"Tony Stark-son! Thou hath sinned against me!"

"Uh… my bad?" Tony stepped out of the doorway. "It was an accident! I was trying to clone Megan Fox and one of your hairs got in!"

"Alack! Betrayed by mine own flaxen mane!" Thor flipped his hair.

"But the good news is Steve made me explain things to Storm and she's giving you another chance!"

"What is thine ill news?"

"I just washed my car and Storm is in a bad mood.

Thunder rumbled outside. Tony's lip wibbled.

"Spectacular, spectacular—" Peter sang, bopping by with a bouquet of flowers. "Tony! Just the man I wanted to see! My girlfriend's coming by tonight to get the grand tour, not to mention meet all of you, and I was hoping—"

"That I could keep all these yahoos on their best behavior?" Tony grinned.

"Well, yeah, but, like, you—specifically."

"Ah." Tony's face fell. Lightning crackled outside and his face fell further.

"Why are you looking so sore, Thor?" Peter chuckled and adjusted the tie on his sharp, royal-blue suit.

"Alas, a travesty of romance! My passion for the fair Ororo is thwarted! I have but one chance to regain her affection, else my sorrows sup from my breast forevermore."

"Ouch. You sound like you need these more than me." Peter handed Thor the flowers, keeping a single rose for Mary-Jane.

"A true and bonnie friend thou art, young Spider! The storms will favor thy crops come the proper season. But let my gratitude be forestalled! My fair Storm's heart awaits the wooing, and thine own bride the blushing! HARK!" He flew up in search of Storm.

"Bride?" Tony asked.

"Hey, me? Get married? That'll be the day."

"Well, I'll tell Jarvis to find a nice Chianti for your 'lucky lady'."

"Already done. I have everything covered. Trust me, Tony. Nothing can go wrong." As soon as the words left his mouth, Peter frowned. "Did I just say 'nothing can go wrong'?"

"Yeah, I think you did."

"I'm so screwed. Excuse me while I go brush my teeth again."

Peter ran back to his room. He passed Bruce, who was still on the phone and looking a bit green around the gills.

"Don't you take that tone with me, Jen! I've been a Hulk a lot longer than you have! Don't make me call General Ross on you!"

* * *

Peter entered his room and made a B-line for the bathroom, throwing his jacket on the couch. He splashed his face with cold water from the sink. Looked at himself in the mirror. "Don't freak out, Parker. She loves you. She'll understand even if something goes wrong, _which it won't_" He dried his face with a towel. "She already knows I'm Spider-Man, so what couldn't she understand?"

"Oh, I understand completely… Peter." Tigra stepped out of the shadows, showing a lot of fur.

Peter froze. "Oh boy."

* * *

"Face it, tiger, you just hit the—" Mary-Jane broke off, realizing she wasn't addressing the lucky winner, but an elderly British butler. "Oh, hello. I'm Peter Parker's date, Mary-Jane Watson?"

"And on behalf of all the Avengers, let me extend our warmest greetings. Mr. Parker is still in his room, but let me assure you he would not keep such a lovely girl waiting long."

Mary-Jane smiled at Jarvis. "You old charmer. I'm going to have to tell my aunt there are _two_ gentlemen left in New York. Would you mind letting me in to surprise Peter? With that spider-sense of his, I don't get many chances."

"But of course. Right this way…"

As Jarvis left Mary-Jane in, Jan just happened to be passing by. She took one look at Mary-Jane and immediately grew a foot (making her taller than the redhead). "Oh hell no! We are not letting that woman into our base just because Megan Fox said she'd sacrifice a goat for a make-out session with her! Uh-uh! Jarvis, show the 'actress' out!"

"Miss Van Dyne, Miss Watson is Peter Parker's guest."

"Guest? What are you, his girlfriend or some—" Jan's jaw dropped. "No. Effing. Way."

Mary-Jane held out her hand. "Maybe we get off on the wrong foot. Hi, I'm MJ. Peter's told me so much about you."

"He… you…" Jan's eyes darted to Jarvis. "Them! You knew about them!?"

"Of course. Mr. Parker often asked me for advice regarding the proper conduct toward a lady."

"He asked you for _dating tips!_" Jan screamed.

"Rather successfully, it would seem."

Mary-Jane blushed.

Jan fainted dead away.

* * *

Tigra snagged his tie with her claws and pulled him closer, inch by inch. "We don't have to deny it any longer. I can see now that you really make my kitty _purr._"

"Well, uh, that has to stop. Stop that kitty from purring!"

"No, Peter! It's time we stop denying this animal attraction!" She pounced on him, spilling him to the carpet with a sharp 'eep!'

"Are you on catnip?" he asked. Tigra buried her face in his neck. "Oww! Quit it! You'll break the skin!"

Tigra's tail swished in the air over them. "I love a good game of 'hard to get'."

Peter pushed her up. "Listen! I have a girlfriend! For real, not playing hard to get."

"You… do?"

"Yes. Look, Tigra, you're a great girl. You're cute and funny and you can kill a Skrull cruiser with a nail file. I'd love it if we were dating—"

"Ahem."

Peter turned to the door. His eyes turned into dinner plates. "MJ!" He pushed Tigra off. She landed in a heap with a 'i totallee ment 2 do that' face. "This isn't what it looks like!"

Mary-Jane smiled at him. "I know it isn't. I know you, after all. You're the most trustworthy guy I know. This is probably just some big misunderstanding."

Peter sighed in relief. Blushing a previously undiscovered shade of red, Tigra brushed past Mary-Jane with a muttered "so sorry" and fled.

Peter got up, brushing fur off his suit. "Oh, thank you. This is why we're dating." He handed her the flower he'd saved. She smelled it and, with a wide smile even by the evening's standards, set it behind her ear. "C'mon, have a seat. I need to find a new tie," he said, fingering a hole Tigra had put in his old one. He opened the door to his bedroom—

"Darling!" Felicia cried.

--slammed the door shut.

Mary-Jane crossed her arms. "Who was that?"

"I… don't… know?"

She slapped him across the face. "Wrong answer!" Stampeding out of the room, Mary-Jane threw open the door and saw Thor standing in the hallway, flowers in hand. Tears filled her eyes. "Us Weekly was right," she muttered before giving Thor a slap. Shaking her hand in pain, she ran off.

"Nice timing, Thor," Peter groused.

"Sorry, I was looking for Storm."

"Try the lobby."

"Thank you!" He shut the door behind him.

Peter sighed and took a moment to rub the coming headache out of his skull.

"So, I hear you're single," Felicia said, poking her head out of the bedroom. "You know, I make a great rebound. Very… bouncy."

"Get dressed. _Please._"

"Just so you know, if I caught you in bed with a woman as hot as me, I would be understanding. Like now, for instance! Want me to go get Tigra? Two cats can have a lot of fun batting a spider around. You can show her that thing you do with your webs."

"Nothing is happening with my webs! Unless it's with MJ, which is looking less likely by the minute, so if you'll excuse me…" He rushed out after her.

"Men!" Felicia said in a huff, tying the bedsheet she was holding around herself. "Why do they have to be such girls?"

* * *

Outside, Tigra was crying into Captain America's shoulder. "I never get to be the sexy temptress! Everyone always talks about how Storm has all the sex appeal! She has white hair! How is that sexy? Can't someone think I'm seductive?"

"There, there." Steve patted her back. "You want me to set you up with Tony?"

"He doesn't count! He'd have sex with a washing machine! He's probably designed a washing machine he can have sex with!" Tigra's sobs trailed off into a wibble. "Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who has these problems."

Mary-Jane rushed by them, muttering something about bisexual orgies and why she'd moved away from LA.

Peter ran after her, saying "Mary-Jane, I can explain! Well, uh, I can deduce!"

Felicia trailed after him, wrapped in a bedsheet, yelling "Spider, you can just put the tip in! We could cuddle!"

Steve gave Tigra's back one last, stiff pat. "Everyone feels like that sometimes."

* * *

Peter turned a corner to find Johnny Storm blocking Mary-Jane's escape. "Johnny, thank God! Finally, a friendly—

Johnny stepped past Mary-Jane so as to better send Peter to the floor with a haymaker. "You spider-bastard! I thought you were my friend, but all this time you were just working your spider-wiles on _my sister!_"

Mary-Jane gasped in renewed horror. Johnny noticed her for the first time. "Oh hey, big fan of your work. I loved you in Wicked."

At that moment, Felicia rounded the corner. She saw Peter on the ground and Johnny standing over him. "Get away from my spider, frosted tips!"

Johnny laughed and gestured for her to settle down. "Easy now. I'd hate to hit a woman. A little light wrestling, maybe…"

Felicia socked him in the nose.

Johnny teetered for a moment, mumbling about a beautiful face, before falling over. He grabbed Felicia's bedsheet for support, but only ended up ripping it off her.

For a stunned moment, everyone stared at Felicia.

She put her hands on her naked hips. "Impressive, huh?"

Peter jumped up, galiantly trying to shield Felicia from Johnny's very male gaze. "Mary-Jane, I swear to you, we broke up!"

Mary-Jane pointed past him. "Then why is your face on her… _there!_" Peter turned. "Don't look!"

Felicia put an arm around Peter (who struggled mightily to detach himself without overly touching her). "Spider promised to get a matching one. And I picked out the perfect place for it…" She indicated it, causing Peter to let out a shrill 'eek!' and jump onto the ceiling. "But he chickened out," she concluded.

"We broke up! Because you stole a Quinjet!"

Felicia rolled her eyes. "I brought it back. Most of it."

"The wings are kinda important, Cat."

"I missed that," Johnny got up. "Could you show me again?"

"Sure." Felicia pointed out the spot with her knee.

Johnny fell down again.

Steve and Tigra rounded the corner, investigating the disturbance. When he saw Felicia's… tattoos, Steve spun on his heel and whistled Yankee-Doodle-Dandy.

Tigra didn't. "Who's Emma?"

"Good question," Peter said.

Felicia shrugged. "I have a life outside you, Spider."

Peter suddenly dropped to the ground and looked around frantically. "Where'd MJ go?"

* * *

Thor strummed on his lute, each lyric of his ode making Storm's cheeks warmer. "Tis a maiden,  
Tis a maiden,  
Tis a maiden named Munroe,  
Who has stroked Thor's fiery heart,  
Who has beauty 'nuff to charm a rock,  
Who doth rise Thor's mighty—"

Mary-Jane, passing by, knocked the lute out of his hands. "Don't waste your time, sister! I caught him having a gang-bang with Spider-Man!"

Ororo slapped Thor.

He slapped her back.

They kissed passionately.

"Ye gods," Mary-Jane muttered sourly as she went on her way.

A moment later, Peter ran after her. "I don't have any tattoos, promise!"

Followed by Johnny. "You're not eating my sister's head, pervert!"

Followed by Tigra. "Hey, John-boy, I just wanted to say you're the _purr_fect… no, darn, let me start over!"

Followed by Felicia. "Hey, nice tail."

Followed by Steve, holding his jacket out to her. "Please, miss, think of the children!"

Storm came up for air. "Did you say something, my lord?"

"Who could speak in the face of such ardor, my lady?"

* * *

"Mary-Jane, wait!"

Mary-Jane turned around. "What is it?"

Having finally caught up with her, Peter put on the brakes. Johnny ran into him, and Tigra ran into him, and Felicia ran into her ("Ooh, you're fluffy all over.") and Steve ran into her and Storm, who had insisted on investigating the strange noises, ran into him.

"Well?" Mary-Jane prompted.

Peter sputtered. "Well, I… I don't really know what's going on here, but I would never do anything to hurt you, because I lo—"

"I'LL SLEEP WITH WHOEVER I LIKE! AND IF I WANT TO STRIP PETER DOWN, SLATHER HIM IN BUTTER, AND RIDE HIM LIKE A MECHANICAL BULL, I DAMN WELL WILL!" someone shouted nearby.

With a muffled sob, Mary-Jane shoved Peter away, starting a game of dominos with him and his fellow Avengers, ending in Steve being squashed between Felicia and Storm. When he realized his predicament, the apologies came mile-a-minute as he wiggled free.

"Did someone just grab my punda?" Storm asked.

"Sorry, I thought it was my punda," Felicia replied.

Before anyone could fully pull free from the pile-up, She-Hulk crashed through the door. In a moment, she had crossed the room and picked Peter up.

"PUCKER UP, WEBHEAD! I'M GIVING YOU SOMETHING TO TELL YOUR GRANDKIDS ABOUT!"

Before Peter could protest, a skill he was beginning to think he needed to practice more, She-Hulk had pulled him into a gamma-powered French kiss.

"Holy crap, she is drilling for oil!" Johnny cried.

Felicia gave Tigra a nudge. "I think we're going to need a bigger bed."

"It's times like these that make me wish I was back in the iceberg," Steve moaned.

She-Hulk set a literally gobsmacked Peter back down again. "Sorry, hot stuff. Had to be done."

The Hulk picked then to burst through the wall, as was his way. "Bug man keep lousy hands off Hulk's cousin!"

She-Hulk pulled Peter against herself in a headlock that had Peter pushing against her with his legs, trying to break free. "You touch one hair on his head, 'cous,' and I'll make you regret it!"

Hulk reached over and plucked a hair from Peter's head.

* * *

Logan dropped his towel and lowered himself into the water, careful not to get his cigar wet. After a long day of being the best there was at what he did, there was nothing better than a warm bath and a fat stogie. Puffing smoke happily, he reached for his Agatha Christie. One more chapter to go until he found out the killer!

That was when a Hulk-shaped, Hulk-sized, Hulk-colored object shot through the floor, knocking Logan's tub over and spilling water all over his book and cigar.

Logan popped his claws into the water-logged novel. "It was a library book, bub!!!"

* * *

Mary-Jane stood out in the rain, huddled under a canopy, trying to hail a cab. It wasn't an easy feat. Taxis didn't like coming by Avengers Tower, not after someone had given Hulk the impression that taxi cabs were ice cream trucks in disguise.

Tears swarmed her eyes like an invading army. The only consolation of this evening was that Peter had listened when she told him she never wanted to see him again. It was nice to know he wasn't a complete jerk.

Digging into her purse for another tissue, she was surprised to find one being offered to her at the end of a slender arm. "Hey," Jan said.

"Hey." Mary-Jane blew her nose. "I suppose you're on your way to have sex with Peter too."

"No, I hate spiders. They're icky. But, uh… look, this is all my fault. Me and Ororo were worried about Peter having a girlfriend, so we asked around and… I guess we gave people the wrong idea. It's not Peter's fault at all, he loves you."

Mary-Jane dropped her tissue. "He loves me? He said that?"

"Well, I don't know if those were his exact words…"

Mary-Jane blitzed right back into Avengers Tower. Jan scrambled after her.

Inside, Peter was trapped between the incredible Hulk, the Human Torch, and the naked Wolverine (who was also wet). They didn't look like they were there to play bridge.

"Hulk smash!"

"Yeah! And Torch burninate!"

Logan just let his snikts do the talking.

"Hold it right there!" Mary-Jane charged in. She jabbed a finger up at Hulk. "You! Calm the hell down before you make _me_ mad!" She pointed at Johnny. "You! Your sister should be so lucky to have Peter as a boyfriend!" She pointed at Logan. "You! Put some pants on! There're ladies present!"

Felicia leaned over to Tigra. "I think she means you."

Lastly, Mary-Jane pointed at Peter. "You!" Her finger wavered. "Do you love me?"

"Well, yeah. Pretty much."

"Pretty much?"

"Yeah." Peter took her hand and pulled her close. "Only with all my life, and until the stars go cold."

A bit of an "awwww" went through the room, and Jan tried to start a slow clap before Felicia gave her an angry look.

"Alright, without further adieu…" Peter spun Mary-Jane gracefully to face the others. "MJ, these are the Avengers. Avengers, this is Mary-Jane Watson. My girlfriend."

* * *

Logan put on clothes, as did Felicia, and Jarvis had prepared an excellent soup. Plus, the Hulk calmed down when they promised to order some pizza.

"Bug man good bug," Hulk said in-between slices. "You can date Hulk's cousin!"

"Uh, thanks Hulk, but I already have a girlfriend."

"Now Hulk's cousin not good enough for bug man!?"

"Hey!" Mary-Jane pointed a fork at him. "You wanna spend another five minutes in the corner?"

"No, red hair girl."

"That's right. Enjoy your pizza."

After that, dinner went pretty well. Everyone got a chance to introduce themselves and talk about their powers, so that kept the conversation moving. Mary-Jane managed to charm everyone but Felicia with acting stories. And once Peter pointed out the irony of Felicia making 'catty' remarks, she shut up and went back to stealing Hulk's breadsticks.

Tony had volunteered his holographic player to show some of the fights the Avengers had recorded. He winked at Peter, which Peter took to meant they made him look good and not that they had lots of gratuitous nudity. Eager to make up for the big mess they had made, Jan and Ororo volunteered to do the dishes. Peter went into the kitchen with them to get drinks for the others.

"I cannot believe," he said, looking for Tony's hot chocolate mix, "that you freaked out just because I have a girlfriend."

"We just didn't want you to get hurt!" Jan explained. "You have to admit, you don't have the best history with women.

"Says who?"

"Well, there was that time you brought Felicia here after hours for a 'private tour' and she tried to steal Cap's shield," Ororo recalled.

"Borrowed! Without asking!"

"And that mutant girl who could walk through walls?" Jan asked.

"How was I supposed to know she was a lesbian?"

"She spent the entire evening talking about how much she hated Emma Frost!"

"I thought that meant she hated her, not that she wanted to have sex with her! Easy mistake to make!"

"What about that blonde who cheated on you with someone old enough to be her father?" Ororo insisted.

"Okay, point, that was messed up."

"See, Peter, you can't blame us for being protective of you," she said gracefully. "We all think of you as a… kid brother, of sorts."

"Oh hell," Peter sighed. "Really?"

"No, it's true! I think of you as a little brother and Jan thinks of you as a little brother…"

"This is my new least favorite memory, I'm letting you all know."

"What do you expect? Jan and I are a little old for you."

"I thought you were my friend!" Jan cried.

"Peter, more Ovaltine, _please!_" Tony called from the other room.

"So, we're cool?" Peter asked, adding a wine cooler for MJ to the usual order.

"Yeah, Mary-Jane's great," Jan said. "Even though she said Giant-Girl was a stupid superhero name, which it's _not_."

"You know she doesn't mean, like, anything she says in interviews? She's pretty much the worst public speaker ever, so she just babbles nonsensically and says it's post-modern. She told people she was dating Mr. T."

"Oh. So she thinks Giant-Girl is a good superhero name?"

Peter whistled and lugged the drinks back into the multimedia room.

"Jan, let it go," Ororo advised.

"I will, I will," Jan promised. "It's just… you don't think she really _is_ cheating on Pete with Mr. T, do you?"

"No, I don't think that."

"Don't you think we should check it out?"

Ororo pointed the kitchen sprayer at Jan. "Don't make me do it, Jan. I will. You know I will."

"Alright, alright, geez. Say, where'd Tigra get to? She said she would help load."

* * *

"Now that everyone has pants on, this skyscraper is _extremely_ boring." Felicia slunk into Tigra's lap. "Want some cream?"

"No thanks, I take my coffee black."

"Who said anything about coffee?"

Tigra purred.


End file.
